Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Center Parcs Sherwood Forest day 1

Well it's not really "Sherwood Forest" is it? It's about as real a forest as the nearby Robin Hood festival (Edwinstowe, 4th-10th August) is a real historical commemoration. The trees are carefully planted so as to create the impression of being "in nature", by skilfully obscuring from view the fact that you're actually in the middle of a transit camp planned like a new town, population approx. 2,000 suckers, yours truly included.
Center Parcs (with curious post-modernity only ever in the plural) is of course a holiday park for middle class people who, like their Haven Holidays counterparts, want to cop out of planning or executing a holiday but don't want to get pissed in the sticky-carpeted amusement arcade whilst enduring karaoke or other evening 'entertainment'. By shrouding the place in trees they enable you to kid yourself that what you're doing is wholesome and educational, especially if you opt for one of the faux conservation tours; to be fair the apparent knowledge, expertise and enthusiasm of the 'nature rangers' or whatever they're called belie their tender lower-tier minimum wage years.
After 2 hours 45 minutes travelling, 1 hour sitting in our second home at Wetherby Services (all-day breakdiet) and 30 minutes driving around sundry Nottinghamshire A-roads wishing I'd selected the Google search "Center Parcs Sherwood Forest postcode" which is clearly there because many others have suffered the same fate, we arrived and I drove into the wrong check-in lane. It's a f***ing expensive place to come and I reserve the right to drive into the wrong check-in lane and not apologise. The woman didn't tell me off and just went to the other booth to get our key. Good start.
No water-sliding or rope-dangling today - it's arrival day and time to 'settle in'. There's plenty of time to go swimming, we're going to be here for a while. I hear such dadlike wisdom issuing from my mouth and wonder what has happened to me.
One day down - accidents:0 (getting lost in Nottinghamshire doesn't count as an accident, it's an inevitability), arguments:0.

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